2009 Scream Awards, A Rant

I’m hopefully not alone in saying that I watched this year’s incarnation of Spike’s yearly awards show, Scream. For the most part, it was entertaining, with some great guest appearances and some decent exclusive trailers and footage. It was also really cool to see an awards show that put emphasis on genres typically glanced over by the more prestigious shows, even going as far as featuring categories for comic books and their writers. However, due to the nature of the viewer’s choice voting system, there were some pretty dumb, to say the least, choices. As I am in no way obligated to report the results in a professional and unbiased manner, I don’t think I will. If you don’t want to hear an angry fan bitch about an awards show most people don’t care about, here’s the results on wikipedia.

Still here? Moving forward then.

The show got off to a good start, with Alice in Wonderland beating out New Moon for "Most Anticipated Fantasy Film." While I would much rather have seen Parnassus take home the gold, I’m just glad that Twilight didn't pick up its first award so early.

Sadly, Scream took a nasty turn soon after. And by nasty, I mean skanky. And by skanky, I mean Megan Fox won for “Best Science Fiction Actress.” Okay, let’s back up a second. Megan Fox’s name should not be included in the same sentence as the word “actress,” much less win an award for being one. Katee Sackhoff, I apologize, but people are idiots.

Then, possibly in an effort to prove that internet users don’t actually know the definition of “actress”, “Breakout Performance Female” went to Isabel Lucas. Never heard of her? She’s the robot chick in Transformers 2; aka the girl who's actually a robot and waves her robot tongue around for a while before being replaced with CGI. Congratulations everyone who voted for her, you’re all officially idiots.

Wow, only a few awards in and you’re already at strike two, Scream Awards. Ready for strike three? What would be more fitting than Twilight picking up its first of the night in “Breakout Performance Male.” And who won? Taylor Lautner, aka that werewolf bitch. In other words, an actor in a shitty movie that has yet to be released beat out both Chris Pine and Sam Worthington. Fuck you internet, fuck you.

The show took an upturn however, with Abrams picking up the award for “Best Director.” While I was personally pulling for Zowie Bowie or Sam Raimi, I knew they had no realistic chance to win. I'm just glad Michael Bay didn't make it past nominations.

Following which, I promptly shat myself.

Hugh Jackman beats out both Jackie Earle Haley and Billy Crudup for “Best Superhero.” I want to cry.

On the bright side, Drag Me to Hell picked up a much deserved “Best Horror Movie” and surprisingly, an award for “Best Screenplay.” Sounds good to me.

Maybe things are turning up alright after all? Wrong. There’s no way for me to lead into this without screaming profanity, so I’m going to just say it. Twilight took the award over Coraline, Harry Potter, Up, and Watchmen for “Best Fantasy Film.” Faith in humanity: officially lost.

I’ll get over it; Star Trek winning the “Ultimate Scream” (aka Best Picture) award helped considerably. Not Twilight? Not Transformers? A film I actually enjoyed? Good enough for me.

A final guest appearance by Stan Lee topped off a night that included the likes off Johnny Depp, Tarantino, Goerge Romero, Harrison Ford, the cast of BSG, and Morgan Freeman; who, at the very least, sealed in the show’s entertainment value.

It may have been shorter than I would have liked, but it moved along at a good pace. The fact that some awards were cut for time reasons may have actually helped my stress levels; Twilight apparently picked up a bunch more and Watchmen’s "Destruction of Manhattan" losing to that stupid bridge scene in Harry Potter for “Holy Sh!t! Scene” is just ridiculous. The guest list was stacked, the BSG reunion was neat, and at least some of the winners weren’t completely retarded choices. Angry as I may seem, all-in-all it was a fun watch and I’m not ashamed to admit, I’m looking forward to the next year’s.