Second Opinion: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

It’s finally happened. It’s been many years in the making, but it finally happened: Michael Bay has lost his goddamn mind. In what can only be described as the ultimate example of spectacle over substance, Bay rides the fine line between insanity and self-parody into an ego-fueled romp displaying the dangers of giving the man a $200 million budget.

The film is as dynamic as a shoebox and about half as interesting. It is comprised almost entirely of facepalm-inducing one-liners charading as clever writing, Shia LaBeouf running away from explosions in slow motion and a political message so obtuse it left a Transformers shaped dent in my brain.

Taking a peek at Revenge’s IMDB page, I see that there are not one, not two, but three freakin' writers for this film. Are you kidding me? The entirety of the film’s spoken lines consist of either “clever” quips or lifeless, dreary exposition about plot details no one gives a crap about.

What we came to see were robots; specifically, giant robots beating the techno-snot out of each other. What we got was about ten minutes of that before every action scene in the movie turned into an unintentional comedic affair, coupled with extreme close-ups of what appear to be pieces of metal engaging in an orgy of eye-pain, or watching 50-foot tall robots taking cover from small arms fire. Michael, you spent the majority of the last film (and a good chunk of this one) establishing the fact that puny human guns don’t do jack-squat to giant robots. Why then is last hour of the film devoted to watching soldiers fire machine guns as their robotic foes try and figure out whether or not this is supposed to hurt them. What the hell?

Earlier on in the film, a group of Decepticons discussed the issue of their race’s imminent extinction unless drastic measures are taken. Could it be? Has Michael Bay actually dedicated a portion of his CGI wank-off to an interesting and complex subject matter? Is that depth I see in those characters? Nope. The issue is quickly dropped and never again even mentioned in the entire film.

I cringe to even touch on the political message in this film. In an effort not to spend the rest of this review pointing out the many reasons Bay fails at subtlety, I’ll be brief: Decepticons are terrorists, the military is always right, and Obama’s a dick (and a pussy).

Taking a break from bashing on the laughable excuse of a plot, the cast of the first Transformers is, for better or for worse, back in full force. Shia LaBeouf spends most of the film running away from stuff, looking scared, and being painfully shoehorned into the role of a tortured hero. Taking nothing away from the man’s accomplishments, there are limits to his acting range; not that Bay seems to notice. Megan Fox is also back, and still hot. This time around however, she really doesn’t have a point to her character. She spends just as much time as Shia running away and looking scared, minus any relevance to anything happening in the film. Add to this a painfully wasted John Turturro and Hugo Weaving and I am one pained moviegoer.

The score is equally unsubtle, in the worst way possible. Not only does it insist upon being obnoxiously in-your-face, it’s present in what feels like every freakin’ scene. No Michael Bay, not every moment of your two and a half hour “epic” requires orchestral ear-rape or Linkin Park.

Overall, Revenge of the Fallen is an atrocious film. In fact, I’ll go one step further: it’s a god-awful action movie. Transformers is an exhausting two and half hour journey without any gratification. I didn’t go into it expecting The Godfather, but I sure as hell expected to see some awesomely choreographed robot-on-robot brawling. What I got was a film intent on showing off its piss-poor writing, even poorer acting and the biggest waste of a $200 million budget I have ever seen. Somebody get a handle on Bay, this time he’s crossed the line.