'Assassin's Creed' Movie To Be Financed By a Shadowy Conspiracy Of Movie Producers

Michael Fassbender’s noble quest to make a video game movie that doesn’t completely suck is several synch points closer to reality. Deadline is reporting that New Regency has arranged to finance the upcoming Assassin’s Creed film. No word on exactly which character or characters will be featured, or why he just stabbed that bystander when I totally pressed the button for "pickpocket," god damn it.

Ubisoft is said to be taking a heavy interest in the scripting process, to ensure that the film retains the insane, literally Byzantine plot that fans of the games have been unsuccessfully trying to explain to their roommates for years.

See, there's this guy who gets caught up in a war between two secret societies, and they need to use this machine to relive his Assassin ancestors' lives in order to find the magic artifacts left behind by ancient people who may have been aliens and, oh, screw it, let’s just play Super Smash Brothers or something.